Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
