and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
