I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
