here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
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Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
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I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.