if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
The Most Iconic Met Gala Looks The Kardashian’s Have Rocked
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor