I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Randomize
