I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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