I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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