I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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