he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Randomize
