Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
