I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
