It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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