Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
