You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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