Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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