There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You pole danced in your parka.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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