im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
