'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
i now understand why vodka
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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