im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm getting married
To pizza
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
A+ Viking dick
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
