i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Randomize
