Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
