The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize