I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
