There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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