You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I think I have vodka in my lungs
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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