There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
