Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
