Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize