Whoa Z and x make the same sound
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
