So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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