hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
