I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Randomize
