why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
