you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
