Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
