Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
