maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
