Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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