I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
