booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
