So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
