I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
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he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
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Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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