I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
