You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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