he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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