Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
We have started to decorate penises.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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