Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
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I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
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She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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