guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
