Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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