who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
