just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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