my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
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