Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
